Restless

You know that ache. It’s not fully a pain or a pressure even. Slightly a tingle or a buzzing, but more just a generalized discomfort. It’s annoying until you get relief. It’s difficult to explain really. When it sets in for me, it’s usually when I’ve been sitting for way too long, it’s late at night and my mind and body are exhausted. Restless leg syndrome sets in and all at once, I want to strip out of my clothes or anything binding my legs and move. Before I jump out of my skin, I go take a hot bath and get ready for bed. This is my body’s way of telling me to rest.

Sometimes I also get what I’ll coin as something not wholly different – restless body syndrome. It’s a whole person problem – mind, body and spirit. My mind races full of ideas and dreams and tasks and creativity that is building up under pressure, and I want to get it all out! I want to work and write and create and make plans and just GO.

This usually hits me on a monotonous Monday at the office while I stare into a black and white avalanche of paper piled high on my desk. My crossed legs jump up and down beneath my desktop. I bite my already down-to-the-quick fingernails. I get up and walk to the bathroom, then come back and take another sip of my cold, black coffee or pop in a fresh piece of gum. Fidgeting or exhaling deep exhaustive sighs, I’m full of eager energy.

I think and scribble a few notes, so I don’t forget these inspirations. I return to the avalanche – the all encompassing list of To-Do’s that I want To-Don’t. Back to the grinding and the pushing of projects and tasks – the adulting that we all must forge through, the work we do to keep companies and organizations alive and functioning. And it is all important – completely necessary, fulfilling even mostly.

“Babe, pray for me. I am so restless today.”

I shoot a text out to my husband. I feel like I just might jump out of my body and I need some support.

Restless body syndrome. Yep.

I have a need to create, to explore, or to encourage. I want to be present for friends and make plans with them, and for this moment in time not be present in the monotony and the grinding, rote work.

Sometimes out of these syndromes of mine, I send a convincing text to my precious hubby, Bo that I plan to put in my notice at work to pursue something completely different, or that we need to foster a sibling group I spent all morning gushing about online, or maybe that we need to go on a mission to Uganda. I declare to myself that I’m going to finally work on publishing my book or scale larger in my side business of photography or start a women’s Bible study or plan a spontaneous trip out of town for the coming weekend. Better yet, I’ll start a podcast. I’ll interview the beautiful women that God has placed in my life one by one. Their stories are so incredible and the world needs to hear them. I can help to provide a platform for their testimonies, how they’ve overcome in faith and what they are walking through now. That’s it!

Sometimes I so crave adventure. I long for something bigger than I’ve imagined before. My dreams seem completely attainable, and I am ready to move.

“I’m listening, Lord. Where do I go? What would you have me do? I’m ready.”

More than adventure, it’s purpose that I crave. We all want that, don’t we? We want to be part of something amazing and impactful – something that speaks legacy and has eternal ripples.

Then alas, after all that and more, I return to the To-Do’s.

They beckon me back.

“Sunni, put your skin back on and settle in. Come back to your responsibility right in front of you. You must keep working,” I hear the list implore me.

The restlessness subsides for a little while. Later that night, I sleep on it. I get up the next day more grounded and go back to work more engaged.

It’s not all for nothing though. Sometimes the seeds God plants in me seem to spring up all at once. And all of the ideas of course don’t always come in the same wave. But I usually want to fast forward the growing process in impatience to harvest a fantastic idea all at one time. I just get so stinking excited and I feel empowered by his spirit to act. I immediately think of who to recruit on these journeys with me and want to start drafting emails immediately to share all the incredible things that the Lord is speaking to my heart.

In my haste, I can forget that all growth from planted seeds happens in stages – a little at a time. My dreams or ideas may not come to complete fruition for harvest today. This is unfortunate to my impatient heart.

Bo responds with encouragement every single time. It’s never a no, just an okay, let’s think and pray about it.

That discernment to pray is just what I need at exactly the right time reminding me to slow down just a bit.

And then I ask the necessary questions – am I ready for this? Is this the right time? Or is this a prep for the future? I mean let’s be real – am I too selfish with my time to commit to this now? Can I surrender to all the hard that this will require of me and our family?

Every time we are plagued by restless body syndrome friend, we move a little closer toward praying and being fixed on what God is really saying and what he is preparing for our next step. Maybe much spiritual growth will begin at this point.

Sometimes, the restlessness also comes out of lack of direction for the really practical life moves. Is it a new position with a new employer? A call to ministry? Maybe you are vacillating back and forth on whether to downsize your home or move closer to your aging parents.

“Lord, which seeds do I need to water and fertilize today?”

These moments shake us out of the ordinary and remind us to keep searching out his extraordinary. What is he calling in those small still whispers to our spirit? Don’t we want to land there – right in the middle of his will, even if it’s challenging? It’s the safest and most spiritually fulfilling place to be. Walking in his will for us means that we are walking not in our own strength and not as if we belong solely to ourselves. We are trusting his goodness, his plan and his leading to be better than we can decide for ourselves. If we do what we are instructed to do in scripture, we open our spiritual eyes and ears and go back to reading his word and praying to seek out his voice.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Hebrews%204%3A16&version=NLT

“Okay Father, you know me. Settle me down for the moment. You know me better than anyone else and you have a plan. What’s next? I’m waiting to hear and see the open doors. Give me clarity in the waiting to see the next step.”