Just Go

*From May 2023

Don’t overthink it. Just go.

I used to be better about this. Sometimes now, I’m more reserved, more uncertain; more than I used to be at least.

When a friend called recently and asked, hey do you wanna go, I knew in my heart that God was saying, Sunni, go. I knew He opened the door.

“But how do you know,” you may be wondering.

When it’s coming from God, you just know. That’s all I can say. You know, when you’re walking with Him, even when it’s a wavering walk, a sporadic walk, or a distant walk, and especially when it’s an as close as you’ve ever been to Him walk. You just know sometimes without a doubt, no question about it, that He has said GO. When he’s your father, He shows you. When you’re His daughter, you feel it.

So I went.

And the first evening when I arrived, I was really contented to be there. I was met with new faces, felt welcoming hugs and was offered joy filled smiles. After being in the car for three plus hours, I was still amped from my trip and came in late to the little party at Epworth by the Sea on St. Simons Island. I sat on an open foldable chair in the meeting room next to an old friend, the one whose invite I had accepted, and on the other side of a new friend whom I hadn’t met until that moment and who would be my roomie for the weekend. I surveyed the room filled with about twenty women, different ages, many of whom were older, many a bit younger and studied the expressions of the speaker as I listened to her words.

Introductions, laughter, a message, snacks and a late night cup of decaf were enjoyed as I sat and took in the new people and voices. The sweet aroma of brackish low country in the air just outside was enough to calm my mind in the moments before when I arrived and stepped out of my car. There is always something about the air at the coast. Tranquility. Rest. It invites you to calm. Soul rest. Being in a new place for a weekend of nothing to do added to the calm! But my mind was still full. Full to the brim and unsettled.

The next morning brought all the things you may expect from a Christian women’s retreat. A wonderful breakfast and lots of small talk around the table as you feel out the waters of getting to know new people. Our day continued with a beautiful communion service in a glorious old chapel on the grounds. Stained glass let light leaks flood in through the windows in all directions as we took of the cup and the bread and then prayed with one another in quiet whispers around the sanctuary. Sweet alone time with Jesus followed. We could visit the small Prayer chapel, take a walk around the grounds or go sit by the water. It was our choice.

I landed in a white gazebo next to a dock that stretched out over the sea grass and across the water of the bay. There was an occasional boat that tugged by and misting rain would come down occasionally as an early morning front was still moving completely out. I watched as birds would light down on the water in front of me and noticed squirrels munching on breakfast near majestic oaks covered in draping Spanish moss.

Okay. Now what Lord?

I settled back and put my feet up across the bench of the octagon shaped gazebo where I had planted. I opened my brand new slimline Bible on my lap and could smell the fresh crisp pages and the black leather cover and I breathed it in. That smell, of any new book, but especially a new bible, is intoxicating to me. I opened up to the pages where the black ribbon had been neatly placed at the Bible production company. The book was Isaiah.

Right page, top left column, first verse printed there, my eyes settled on these words first…

Listen to me in silence, O Coastlands…

Wait, what? I read it again. I touched the words and traced them along as I read.

Listen…in silence.

Okay. I kept reading.

O coastlands. Coastlands.

That is exactly where I was sitting right in that moment, trying to literally quiet my own mind!

The verse continued, let the peoples renew their strength.

“and isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think? A little too ironic, and yeah I really do think,” my mind immediately sings with Alanis Morrisette in her hit from the 90s right now as I type this.

Yep, it was Ironic.

Okay, Lord. I’m supposed to feel you. I want to be close. I’m listening.

I sat and read hoping for a breakthrough in my intentional thought that would break me, bend me, and change something in me. I wanted to feel something, know something and find something that I needed. Like, I’m only going to be here for today and half of tomorrow, so bring on the magic!

And while I was there like there in that beautiful setting right on the water, Bible on my lap, salty sea air brushing my face, I wasn’t completely connected. I kept trying to tune out the voices flowing over from the art course that was taking place right behind me. A pavilion was filled with artists who all had canvasses perched on easels while they were just beginning the class. I was pretty comfortable for the moment…out of the rain, so I didn’t move. I sat and tried to settle my thoughts fully on Jesus. No spiritual earthquakes were coming. Not yet.

So I read anyway and memorized the first couple of verses of a psalm.

I’ll read and wait Lord. I know you’ll show me what I’m here for. I know this is good for me.

A little later I visited the prayer chapel. The tiniest little inviting vestibule bid me come in. When I went into the second door past the entryway, there was a hushed reverence. One person sat on one of the six small cushioned pews. There were three to the right and three to the left of a short center aisle. A cool rush of air infused with the fragrance of mature wooden planks hit me square as I pushed close the antique door gently behind me. The wooden walls framed out the the little refuge from floor to ceiling. Stained glass windows were the only break in the design and morning sunlight trickled in through them.

I sat quietly and prayed for a time. I was starting to feel more connected – to Him, to this experience.

The day continued with a message of hope, singing and then lunch. We enjoyed free time in the afternoon and I was able to walk into a few conversations where I heard pieces of the stories of some of the ladies there. Testimonies of their lives were shared of victory and praise.

I started realizing that maybe I wasn’t supposed to get something just for me, some spiritual word spoken just to me out of the weekend. I gave up on trying to overthink it. Instead I just went with the flow. I listened intently to people’s words. I watched their eyes, when there was joy in them and when there was pain or anxiety hidden in them. I remembered their requests and I “wrote” them down in my mind, so I could remember them again.

I did share a little of my own story with my new friend and roommate later that night, and the conversation was authentic and needed. Suddenly though, I didn’t have the need to dump all of my “stuff” out on someone – any past hurt or current life crisis. Instead, I was more interested in other people’s stories. That is something I’ve been missing. There are times when we need to and should get all the things off our chest and have someone bear the load with us. I have SO many times before. It is healing, but this wasn’t my time for that.

Remember – listen. That’s what He said to me.

I LOVE to read memoir. I love real life, real people. I have always liked to see behind the face, the story that makes the person. But I haven’t sought that out in the real people around me in quite a while. Not really seeing them, instead I’ve been guilty of looking around them, not at them. I’ve been too rushed, too busy, too selfish, not enough like Jesus. And I’ve prayed for a while that it would come alive in me again.

One sweet mama coming off the mission field wanted prayer that God would bring good friends into her boys’ lives now that they are transitioning to full time life in the states. She has three boys and my mama heart felt her anxious heart.

Another dear friend has battled a health crisis that has been crippling in so many ways – her journey was a frustrating roller coaster of telling her story and testing and no answers and different doctors and clinicians and halting the work she was passionate about. Now, she is getting better all the time and desperately ready to jump back into her life work in fullness and wholeness.

One younger mama is navigating life as a divorcee and single mama. Been there. We talked about the hard parts of her baby girl having to go back and forth to her dad’s house and worries of how things will work as she grows, all while we ate our lunch together.

Another precious lady was in a state of just being. Her heart was heavy, her physical body was even being affected by her spiritual or emotional battle. I didn’t know what it was, but she was still there, willing to be with God’s people even when admittedly, her joy was hard to show.

Another beauty was so filled with joy, so unashamedly undone with the joy of the Lord, that even though she gave a glimpse of her old “trauma” and hang-ups of her past, she refused to let the enemy keep her down. And that joy was addictive and transferable to all the ladies around her.

Tears came when this sister was preaching and singing and leading us. In the incredible message she was passing to us, one phrase struck me harder than the others. She said, “stop giving life support to your pain!” In other words, stop breathing into it! Pain from the past or present that we keep clutching to so tightly robs of our purpose for today or our joy. Wow. How many times do we do that? Things that we bring up in our minds over and over. We fixate and want restitution or vengeance and closure. And we are the ones who won’t close the door!

I lay down a couple things that evening that I sealed closed and that moment was soaked in tears that I was annoyed that I couldn’t hold back. In front of all the people, they came!

I listened. I saw people. I felt what they felt.

And now I have this super awesome honor to pray for them. Jesus unites people in a way that the world doesn’t know about, but desperately needs to. I want them to know. I want them to know this building up and hope.

I went and it was a blessing and refreshment for my soul.

If you are invited by a friend to a conference, a retreat or an afternoon to be with Christian sisters (or brothers) take a break from your day-to-day; don’t overthink it and just go.