I’ve Got You Babe

So this is isn’t the most flattering pic of me. Every time I see it pop up in the photo album on my phone, it makes me chuckle a bit. Not sure which of my children caught this moment, but I’m super glad they did.

I can’t help but also laugh at the dollar store tennis shoes that saved me that weekend. I didn’t pack hiking boots, so we were thankful that the local store had something to get me by before our hike through Providence Canyon on this camping trip.

So much in one photo is here – so much that is representative of us together. Me – leaning on him while on a bit of unstable ground. Him – with solid footing like a rock bracing me. It was new terrain for me, as I had never visited the large soil-eroded canyon in Stewart County, Georgia prior to this trip. Large vibrant red and terracotta-orange clay cliffs had been chiseled into the landscape creating deep gullies that aren’t reminiscent to anything else you can explore in the state.

In our eight years together, anytime I’ve needed to be held up, just like in this photo, he’s done so without complaint. He’s done so without ever asking me why I need support or questioning my emotional state in the moment. He’s literally held me physically, but also emotionally and now especially spiritually.

That’s a tall order for any man to be responsible for, right? The best part of us is this – it isn’t a responsibility, like those kinds we have to do. Instead for us, these are the things we get to do.

This photo tells a story that others won’t see, but it speaks to me again and again. It could be a cover page to one chapter in our book. I might title that chapter – “I’ve got you Babe,” reminiscent of the old Sonny and Cher duet released 1965; only this is the “Sunni and Bo” version.

We know the lyrics that sing out the song of a beautiful marriage. In every way, that is due to God’s grace in allowing our lives to intersect in the first place and then him sanctifying us separately and together since. Jesus has been purging and purifying us of our broken human nature – selfishness, bitterness, arrogance, pride, revenge, keeping accounts of wrongs, etc. – so that we are becoming more like him. This process, which Christians call sanctification, is a molding and remolding that helps our lives look more like the life our Lord lived while he was here on earth. The process includes seeking God’s word (reading, studying, applying), continual prayer, being repentant over sin, serving others and being part of a fellowship of people who are also believers. Christians must be willing to enter into this process, giving of time and self, but Jesus does the internal work of changing hearts and renewing minds. And an important side note – we never attain perfect sanctification; not in this earthly life at least.

As we become more like Jesus in our minds and hearts, we are able to be better for each other. My subtitle for our book’s chapter, “I’ve got you Babe,” would be basically one word.

That word is Kindness.

Obviously, sacrificial love is the true glue, the nuts and bolts that hold a marriage together. Dying to your own selfishness, loving the other by putting them ahead of self – that is sacrificial love.

In the practical application of that love, I have discovered the real gift of marriage comes from simple kindness being poured out daily. Kindness is the seed sown in marriage soil that repeatedly grows joy and safety and trust.

I’ve thought of several reasons that our relationship is so full of joy. I thought of the reasons I not only love Bo, but also love to be with him – in his presence. Yes, I actually like my husband! I’d like to share them with you here, by also contrasting with things we’re careful never to do:

I’m Doing More! – Never Adopt this Mentality

When Bo is tired (mentally or physically), I let him lay on the sofa without keeping a mental tally of who’s done more that day. When I recognize he needs rest, it blesses me to make sure he eats something warm and filling (albeit not always gourmet and maybe even takeout).

When I am at my emotional wit’s end, he offers kindness to me by not mirroring my neuroticism in the moment. Instead of adopting my “mood,” he is a master at lightening mine. He does this in simple ways like singing as he walks through the house, giving me a quick pep talk, offering scripture or just letting me rest. These little things can magically cut through tension that my high emotions can leave hovering in the air. Go take you a hot bath, he tells me often. He cleans up the dishes in the sink, lets the dogs out to potty, etc. while giving me space to just be for a moment – small acts of kindness that offer giant returns. Many times, it’s just a full-on hug he gives that lingers, right there beside the kitchen sink.

When one of us isn’t at our best, when one isn’t emotionally in control, or beat down, has a backache or headache, we offer simple kindness to each other by doing a small thing to take some burden off of the other. We’ve learned that we are safe from being penalized when we have an off day or moment.

That’s a Dumb Idea! – Never Squash a Dream

When I have some newly baked idea (and they come in droves) and overwhelm him with a monologue on why and how and when it can happen, he never shuts me down. He gives me freedom to express myself, to talk it out. He is kind in his response, even if he doesn’t agree or see my enlightened vision. He doesn’t berate me with all the reasons I’m not equipped or cut out for the idea. Instead in kindness, he sometimes offers counter ideas. However, it’s never in a way that makes me feel shame or embarrassment for what I’ve dreamt up.

When I go back to him with a change of heart, he never says, I told you so. That would be arrogance and the opposite of kindness.

When I walk into the dream or idea, he walks with me. He encourages me. “You can do it. I’ll support you.”

When voices are heard, dreams are shared, and individual expression is valued, a husband and wife feel safe. There is freedom to be a separate person created by God with unique skills and gifts, while also being one flesh.

Can You Believe He Does _________?! – Never Belittle One Another

We don’t pick on one another in front of friends or family. Now, sometimes we do poke fun in light hearted ways. He’s a slower driver (he’s cautious he’d probably say). I’m always late (right on time I say!). He can recite every single Andy Griffith show script almost word-for-word, and I leave my unpacked suitcase in our closet floor for several weeks after a trip. Those are the sort of things up for grabs for a little making fun of one another. What we don’t do though, is make fun of any flaws that would cause others to question our character or work ethic. We don’t magnify physical appearance insecurities or annoying habits that we don’t want to showcase to the world. We never embarrass each other by bringing to light ways we’ve failed or in areas of struggle.

In kindness, he instead builds me up, and often in front of others.

Each of us have learned from the past. Bo and I are so overcome with how God blessed us with one another later in our lives, that we really have true gratitude. I can’t ever thank the Lord enough for this gift.

God is our spiritual refuge. How awesome that we can emulate God by adopting his attributes of gentleness and patience, which to me is the definition of kindness. We get to be an earthly and physical refuge to each other in our marriage. It’s important to hold each other accountable, be present, and equally encouraging. However, I don’t take the place of God in Bo’s life and I don’t expect for him to fulfill that role in mine.

The iconic quote from Tom Cruise in the movie Jerry MacGuire, has become a romanticized ideal that many young women have gushed over and coveted since its release in the mid 90s. Jerry, played by Cruise, stood in the living room of the character played by Rene Zellweger and finally manically and somewhat desperately proclaimed to her that, “you…complete…me.” Never mind that he had been running from his feelings or lack there of for her the entirety of the plot.

I get a lot of cringe factor from the whole scene now, but as a seventeen-year-old, it was every bit of what young women are groomed to believe they want and will receive in future relationships and marriage.

There is much to be said about this movie – the reasons he resisted her initially, how he strung this single mom along for a long ride, how he almost had to be coaxed into “loving” her, but nevertheless I’m digressing away from the point.

No other human can complete you. Or me. We aren’t created to be filled or made whole by a spouse. We are created in the image of God, fully whole, but also fully flawed and broken – sinful. While our sinful nature and brokenness only has one remedy – God recreating us and giving us new birth and life spiritually – so our marriages also remedy one major thing in our lives. To know what that is, let’s go way back to the beginning.

Genesis unravels the greatest story ever told, next to the history of Jesus. Creation of the world started. Each animal, newly created was named by the first man, Adam. Each living creature had a helpmate – one male and one female. Every single one of them, well up until that point, only one was lacking. Adam needed a “helpmate” too – a helper. How was that remedied?

Eve enters the scene here.

Then the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.

Genesis 2:18

And so he made her. She was not ever meant to complete Adam, as if he was incomplete in some way that the Lord God created him. She was meant to add to his life, to bring value and love, to bring children and family and spiritual accountability. Eve also allowed Adam’s innate nature to lead to be fully exercised. He was meant to protect, both physically and spiritually. But he wasn’t Eve’s God. Just like Adam, just like us, we are individually accountable to our creator. When we get married, and become one flesh, we are knit together in a special way that allows us to help each other.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

The journey can be bumpy – just like that terrain in Providence Canyon. Sanctification can be pursued and sought in marriage to make the hike smoother though. Sacrifice has to be made, so that selfishness is not reigning over kindness. We pursue our God and in kind, his Spirit’s work in us flows out like streams of living water washing over crevices and broken places, soothing and refreshing our spouse and all those around us.

If you haven’t been immersed in the word of God lately and your path has been filled with cliffs where you are desperately hanging on for dear life, give it some attention friend. If you haven’t been spending time with Jesus in talks and prayer, and you feel lost, angry and agitated, anything but kind, maybe today can be a restart.

Married, single, divorced, engaged – wherever you are – this gift of refreshment from the Holy Spirit will benefit every one around you, as well as your own heart.

(Side note, if you are not a Christ following born again in Jesus believer, please feel free to reach out to me if you want to know how you can be).