Several months back, I experienced a cloud of despair. It was short-lived, but during that week I documented what I was feeling. I share now, as one chronicle in the complex life of a Christ-following Christian. The following was my Day 3.
Today, I didn’t rush to the keyboard after starting my day. Is that progress toward leveling out?
Everything feels a bit less heavy – my emotions more manageable. Still, I am not myself in entirety. I put someone off because I didn’t feel like talking yesterday. Instead, I avoided and left the call unanswered.
I couldn’t manage the physical reaction that would be associated with that particular conversation. I don’t want to feel that now. I can do hard, don’t get me wrong, but I can’t do that hard – not right now. I haven’t been in touch. I have been distant. I’ve even been apathetic, knowingly. But for now, I’m not willing to face the reasons behind that apathy and distance.
Out of that delayed conversation, I’ve been wrestling the me too argument. If I am full of flaws myself, though mine are different, how do I have the right to speak out another’s, even if I’m warranted in doing so? Maybe that person needs to own, admit or deal with some things, but me too. Don’t we all? So, is it better to keep holding this? Right now, I can’t do a dance of pretend or guilt, so I just avoid.
When is unresolved business with a friend or family member worth letting go versus working through? What is the balance in the life of a Christ follower? Forgive, let go? Or forgive, but also work through?
It has to be situational – the working through part, right?
It’s always forgive I know. Just as Jesus has forgiven my multitudes of sin – pride and selfishness – so I am compelled to.
But then, what about the flip side?
Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. And reconciliation does require work and moving into hard places. At this moment, I don’t have enough in me to do that hard work. This is deeper than I’ve been acknowledging. It does carry more weight than I even admit to myself. So perhaps this relationship’s breakdown and unresolved business is one subconscious contributor that helped to trigger all of this.
Everything is still quite a bit overwhelming. This hovering cloud has rained down into every aspect of my day. It’s as if every small task at work is monumental. Even the smaller insignificant things are too weighty as I sit at my desk. A simple phone call to give a credit card number for an order that needs processing. Tackling a stack of invoices for payment or emailing a proposal to a customer is exhaustingly heavy.
Simple things.
Deep, intentional breaths in, I try to alleviate the tightness in my chest and the clenching that is burrowed just beneath my breastbone. I hold them for a moment before release. The breaths then escape out as lingering sighs that can’t be quieted – out they come, loud and dramatic.
These past two days have left me depleted.
Every movement is intentional and forced. Alas, I keep moving. I keep going, no matter the weight of this. No one around me knows the internal wrestling in my mind. They just see me doing the tasks I am responsible to do.
For now, I still don’t want to share any of this.
The conundrum inside me is this. No matter the wellsprings of joy that reside in my soul and deep in my heart for all the ways God has blessed me, all the ways I am known by Him, and for all the people I love so immeasurably, still this breaking of mind and emotion is residing. Albeit, the joy never leaves. It’s part of my fabric that came as a result of Jesus. His grace, mercy and love in my life grounds my soul supernaturally, even when my physical body is a wreck.
How is this possible?
The deep peace of God fills my spirit and it infiltrates every thought, every fiber that makes me. But at the surface, my conscious, reactional, physiological mind has been all at once clouded, agitated, and made ill these last several days.
How do the two things exist simultaneously?
1) A spirit foundationally grounded in truth, in love, and in peace that is only known through the knowing of my Creator, and then 2) a mind so encumbered and operating out-of-sync in response to the physical world on the outside?
For now I will keep pressing on, of course. There is no other choice. I genuinely don’t want to fall apart! I want those wellsprings that I mentioned to refresh, to clean out the clutter, to bring the depths of joy from within up to the surface of my mind. Then things will be brought back to my normal – to my equilibrium.
The fog is lifting. And soon, my sight will be clear again. I have experienced this before, but here I will not stay.
Friend, when a cloud of despair or depression seems to fall out of nowhere, I’m not sure it’s really from nowhere. It could be a collective response – one that we don’t recognize – because it happens internally. Our subconscious brain keeps an account of all the stressors, experiences, situations and stimuli that we are walking this life with. It would make sense then that the culmination of it all can hit us hard sometimes. This kind of a fragmented collection of events and stressors could have been my trigger during this season that I journaled out. When the cloud hovers over, and especially if we didn’t see it coming, we can feel hopeless, like a failure, or out of control. This can push us deeper into the hole.
So what’s a good solution for getting out?
You and I have established over the last couple of posts that we are messy, broken and crash out often. We also know we can be restored, healed and brought back to equilibrium by our God. David’s psalms serve as a perfect example of this. When he was deathly afraid, in trouble, ashamed of his sin or in a pit of despair, he cried out to the Lord.
In all these seasons, he called out to his God (equally in times of victory as well)! He trusted Him to be a strong tower that he could run into to find safety – physical and spiritual. David also spoke much to our human frailty in contrast to God’s power and might.
My prayer for you, Friend, is that you keep calling, keep crying out, and keep seeking Him. My hope is you don’t stay in a place of condemning yourself. My encouragement is to read his Word, think on it and pray it out until your fog clears too.
Read slowly through David’s pleas to God that I’ve captured below. Let them wash over you, as you recognize that the Father God preserved these words for us. Wow. May they bring encouragement and make you feel less alone.
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.”
Psalm 25:16-18 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.25.16-18.ESV
“You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation!”
Psalm 27:8-9 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.27.8-9.ESV
“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah”
Psalm 32:5 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.32.5.ESV
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
Psalm 34:4-8 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/psa.34.4-8.ESV
I’m linking a fantastic podcast episode that may help you go further in finding encouragement through a moment of emotional instability. Michelle Croyle, a licensed therapist and author of the podcast Trauma Healing for Christian Women counsels women to use the Word of God together with traditional therapeutic techniques. After having listened to many of her podcast episodes, I’ve thoroughly appreciated that she routinely refers to the Bible. She walks her listeners through how the body and mind work from her expertise and clinical experience. From her website and in her own words, she invites women who work with her to “learn new ways to respond when anxiety or troublesome thoughts show up—without beating yourself up.” (https://emdrpittsburgh.com/about)
Even if you don’t see a past trauma as your reason for a hard place, her advice can be helpful to all of us. Her work is fabulous! When I listen to her, it feels like a nice chat with a good friend. Maybe check it out below:
Mining Beneath the Ordinary 